Perhaps a minor detail for most but, for me, it signifies the possible end to several weeks of feeling miserable. Since I returned to school in September, I have been out of sorts and mildly depressed, mostly over school itself. I couldn't seem to get myself motivated and the anxiety wasn't helping anything. I quickly got into a pattern of sleeping until noon and, since I only had class two days a week, working mostly from home because I usually felt too anxious about seeing certain, "anxiety-provoking" people in our grad-school building.
As the weeks went on, my apathetic funk got worse and, for some reason, my social anxiety peaked about 3 weeks ago. I went from feeling mildly nervous about seeing and talking to certain people to coming home shaken and borderline hysterical because I couldn't stop going over every detail of every conversation I'd had with anyone that day. For the past couple of weeks I'd been nearing that breaking point where the humiliation and hopelessness are almost too much to stand and I have a mini-breakdown.
At the beginning of this week, though, I suddenly felt more positive. I had my assessment at the anxiety clinic on Monday, which I'm sure had something to do with it. But I also decided to give working at school one more chance and started going to my office, which I share with 3 girls in my program, each morning to study for my upcoming psychology exam (which I wrote tonight and, by all estimates, passed).
I was so afraid to work in my office because I didn't know exactly who would be coming and going (i.e. who I'd have to talk to). My specific fear when it comes to making conversation is that everything I say will sound stupid or naive and that I'll either alienate or bore whoever I'm speaking with. What helped me this week, though, was that one of the girls I actually trust not to judge me studied with me all day Monday. Having an ally allowed me to talk more comfortably with others who stopped by, and by today I was able to study in the office without my friend while a colleague I don't know very well worked across from me. I even chatted and joked around with her and others comfortably; a rarity for me, especially after the last few weeks.
I guess what I've been describing is nothing more than exposure - part of the cognitive-behavioral therapy that's touted so enthusiastically by all these self-help books I've been reading. The basic idea is to gradually expose yourself to the situations and/or people that cause you anxiety, thus proving to your brain that there's really nothing to be afraid of.
Call it what you will. I just know that, for the first time in a long time, I feel something akin to contentment.
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